I see everyday more my need of nesting. While people spend money in clothes or gadgets or dinners out, I slowly buy nice things for my home (even if they are not exactly cheap, I get them one at a time and they will last long). I really need to create a place that feels mine. I don’t need to own it and it doesn’t have to be that one for ever. But I really need a place with my rules and ways of doing things, my place with no compromises, my place with all the things I care about, my place that I can decorate and shape as I want. Of course, the best would be a place shared with my love.
My nesting instinct makes me look far in time so I think about what could be useful, what I would like to keep, what I would like to eventually have. Not just right now, but from now to the future. And it also makes me very creative; I really enjoy making all kinds of things for home. A lot of this is also connected to finding a simpler and environmental friendly way of living.
Maybe it’s to fight the eternal instability of my profession.
I even have already started saving a few things (very few, way less than what I’d like) that I found and keep aside for my future children. That’s maybe exaggerated; I’m a bit ashamed of it. As also of saving in a folder of my computer all pages and books and links and tips about pregnancy and birth and babies. It’s maybe a bit crazy since all these things are not on the list yet, and I understand that it can look a bit intimidating to my partner, but hey, at some point they will happen!
Dreaming makes me happy.
(there is this cheesy song called To build a home by The cinematic orchestra. I don’t particularly like it, but now it’s coming two-three times a day on the radio and I almost cry everytime)
Working in a side job that has nothing to do with dance. It might feel like I’m giving up. Well, I don’t know. I rather feel like I’m adapting to my constantly changing life. And working, keeping myself busy, earning a bit more money makes me feel good, relaxed, at peace, and not guilty. And that’s important.
But somewhere I always fear that I’m not doing the right thing. I think that what I do is wrong and there are always a lot of “should” that put their weight on me. For example now I work and make money and use my time, and this makes me feel good, but then I train less or I don’t dance and then I’m sad and I feel that maybe I’m not a dancer anymore and I’d like to find that back.
Then yesterday I had a motivating work meeting for a new project and I got energy and inspiration. Even thought I wasn’t properly dancing in the studio, I felt a bit more like a dancer again, working on what I really want to do in life.
I read an article about random acts of kindness.: simply being kind and doing/giving something to others without getting anything back and without any reason other than to perpetuate happiness. I really liked the idea because I know very well from personal experience why it feels good to give. Just the fact of having made someone else happy, makes me incredibly happy, even though that sceptical boyfriend of mine can’t believe it and always thinks that I do too much for him and too little for myself.
Together with explaining why being kind does good to ourselves, the article pointed out that being kind makes us able to ask for help with the idea that “if I would do it for someone else, I can ask for it too”. And there I have a lot to learn.
It also talked about suspended coffee: in cafés that join the initiative (and have a sticker to show that) one can go and pay for a coffee that stays suspended; anyone can then go to these cafés and ask if there is any coffee suspended, that is, already paid. Also simply paying a coffee for the next person in line, or for somebody unknown in the café works well. I really like the idea.
Dad called me and he told me that, compared to some recent issues with my sister, he thought that it’s amazing how I never “bother” my parents. I break my arm, I go and fix it; I have problems with my boyfriend, I fix them by myself.
Always all by myself.
Always finding solutions and accomplishing things by myself. And he doesn’t know how many more things I’m fixing on my own everyday.
I’m tired to be alone.
My moving to sweden is getting real!
I handed in the cancellation of the contract of my
place here in vienna, so it’s official now! I navigate through various moods and feelings, from fear, to excitement, from curiosity to annoyance and bureaucratic nightmares.
I hate moving, in the sense of technically packing all my stuff and finding the best way to transport it, but I like the idea of starting again in a new home. I’m organizing a few home-fleamarkets to get rid of old clothes and furniture and step lighter into this new chapter. I have very clear in mind all the reasons why I’m moving (even if they are not anymore the original ones, aka moving with the man I love) and at the same time I am still full of doubts, uncertainties, questions and what-if?s.
I’m making a party out of my last month here in Vienna. It’s truly a bit sad, there are some anxieties, but it’s mostly a celebration. I’m celebrating this place (which I like), my friends and my life here. I’m really enjoying, I’m meeting people and doing many things. I’m saying yes to every proposition.
I am doing too many things all at once and I can’t focus on any of them. None of them is really profitable or enjoyable, even though it’s nice to feel busy and have full days. But it’s hard to get pleasure from these things because they are so scattered and fragmented and my mind is spread and distracted.
I feel confused inside me. I don’t know what I want more, I don’t know my priorities. I don’t know how to make all the things fit in each other. Obviously I can’t do everything, but I don’t know what feels more important.
Yoga at dusk on the green roof deck of a couple of friends, with another friend teaching. Lovely. The light slowly fading , the first stars appearing, relaxed women time. Kids sleeping. The plants growing on the roof: to eat to spice to drink. Wonderful. A cosy home, a nice dinner, a familiar atmosphere, a couple whose members love and support each other and are such a pleasure to watch. Oh, it softened my soul. I relaxed all my needs of controlling the world. I really needed it (even though I came home so late and slept so little).
That time of the year has arrived. When I need to wash my feet and legs with cold water in the evening otherwise I cannot sleep.
I’m tired in my legs.
I feel grateful for a spontaneous nap in the middle of the day on my free day, after a morning of running around (free days get overloaded with all kinds of errands!). I was just lying on my bed for a second and then I passed out.
It’s nice to take time to just let go of everything; learning to switch off is as important as learning to switch on. I’m always so efficiently working to keep together everything around me.
Why do I feel that I need to cuddle myself? I bought a few little treats for myself, even though I’m a bit short on money.
Me and him talked a lot, but we still have to talk more. I long, I really long, like crazy, to talk to him. All the thoughts I want to share with him on the topic are scribbled down in a notepad with KAOS written on the front page.
With this talking we go forward and backward and forward and so on. Sometimes it seems we talk in circles. It’s devastating tiring surprising hurting, but somehow interesting. I get all sorts of thoughts about him, me, us and the way I behave and see myself. Maybe it will eventually help me become a better person.
Not long ago I realized how much this has to do with me being so unsecure. I’m so unsure of myself, I don’t believe that I can be loved, I cannot trust the fact that I’m beautiful and amazing and that people can see that. I can’t love myself in this way. A friend just mentioned the topic and my eyes filled up with tears. It’s clearly still a burning issue in me. I thought I was getting over it thanks to him and his appreciation, but now that he’s doubting, I doubt too.
Even if I find imperfections interesting and I think that people should be allowed more of them, I sometimes still have difficulties accepting that I’m not perfect, that what I do is not perfect, that my life is not perfect. When at least one thing in my life goes well (like when he was really peacefully in love with me), then I can deal better with the other imperfections. But when everything is a bit fucked up, then I can’t.
In the meanwhile, paradoxically, I am more and more sure that he’s the one I want to be with. For life. There is clearly something amazing between us and the fact that we’re doing this talking and analysing together definitely shows it. It’s a luxury: so many couples don’t talk about these things! We are sharing understanding explaining going deep into our issues, fears, behaviours and complicated mind structures. I never got to know somebody so well, and nobody ever knew me so deeply.
Despite everything, I’m happy for the love, care and patience, which I received from him in these last days. His thoughts and touch and looks. And the errands he did for me. I got treated like a princess; this makes up for all the cold uncomfortable distance of our last phone interactions. Now that he’s gone I’m like a cranky child and want to wheep “it’s not fair! It was so nice when he was here! I want him back!”. Now that he’s gone I indulge into his usual presence/absence. So bitter sweet. So beautiful he is.
I think that we fit pretty well together and somehow deep down I believe that eventually, when we will have found our way to do it, we are meant to be together. There is still a positive spot inside me that feels that it will all work out in the end.
He is family, this is why it would be particularly painful to lose him.
Ho parlato un poco di me, perchè il testimone fa parte della sua testimonianza.
Ups and downs. With him, more downs again now.
Then I walk down the street, I listen to good music (louder than my thoughts!), the people I see seem nice and then I really have to smile and think that even if there are many things hurting or scaring or stressing me, wow life is so damned beautiful! I’m just so lucky to be living.
I felt full of energy and balance, in the night I didn’t feel like going home and I could have just continued walking.
When I was a child I used to like the rain because then I could wear my wellingtons. I still feel quite fine with rain, especially with these quick early summer showers that get you all wet while it’s still warm.
A total sunday gloomy mood. I didn’t go out of the flat, I keep distracting and being slow, I feel like I’m not doing anything (even if I actually am, slowly, bit by bit). I need to do important things but they make me nervous and I can’t tackle them, so I waste time and don’t do them and feel stuck and nervous.
This sticky weird mood is throwing mud on my day.
I smell the coffee and it smells good.
Lots of stress lately. Too many things to take care of.
There is something in my life that I don’t like.
Many of the stresses are related to money, and that’s not good. And to my feeling of guilt. And to what I think I should do VS what I actually do. And that’s also not good.
I don’t know how to get out of it.
There are days when I drink too much coffee. But hey, some days are just like that.