dear a.

I’m 32 today.
I’m 32 today and it’s an age I couldn’t imagine when I was younger, what life after 30 would be like.
I am 32 and a mum, and that is filling up every space of my existence (and time!) so that it’s hard at the moment to find my identity a part from that. Hard to talk about something else, hard to focus on other activities, hard to prioritise other things.
I am 32 and I get to spend the day child-free, with some close friends, doing something I love: eating brunch.
I am 32 and life is busier and faster than I thought, but also exactly how I dreamt it, with my little family.
I am 32 and I want to re-learn how to be a daughter, aside from being a mum.
I am 32 and I want to work and be a mum but i don’t want to work an be a mum. I am 32 and I sometimes worry. I am 32 and I just want to let it flow, let it show me the way, just be here and now.
I am 32 and for the first time in a long time my birthday didn’t matter so much to me.

pancia abitata

I’m 31 today and it’s strange to become any age over 30.
I’m 31 today and I feel busy and full of nice things and very loved.
I’m 31 and heavily pregnant. Actually just waiting for this baby to come and for life to really change.
I’m 31 and I haven’t been dancing for a long time now, but it feels totally fine this time.
I’m 31 and I wonder what the future will bring, what life will look like in the rest of the year, who we will be. I wonder who this person in my belly is.
I’m 31 and I feel like I have quite some friends around.
I’m 31 today and I’ve been receiving so much love from him lately, as if we were falling in love again, coming closer together.
I’m 31 and I’m looking forward to not working for a while and not feeling guilty about it. I’m reading more and fast, and sewing and knitting.
I’m 31 and I want to spend more time in nature in the near future.
I’m 31 and I feel ready for all the new things to come.
I’m 31 today and this year has been tiring, busy, full and so I’m ready to take it slow now, live lighter and more intentionally.

orme

Fresh snow. Just one set of feet has walked here, yours. I walk in your footprints, early in the morning, snow still falling.

At my latitude, winter days are all the obvious things – very long, very dark, often frozen, unforgiving

mi (ri)infilo nel letto ancora caldo di sonno

These slow mornings that always made me feel so stressed, like I’m wasting my time. The fact the I want to train but it’s hard to make time for it or push myself and be consistent. Now they all have a different meaning, they are easier to accept. Because I just can’t train so much, because I’m in pain, because I really am more tired than usual and I need to learn to take things slow. Hard to accept it, in the beginning, to be so limited and not my usual self…
But today it’s ok to sleep 11 hours, wake up at 10:00 on a monday, after I had a busy weekend of early alarm clocks. I don’t feel stressed about it. I enjoy the rest I can get, now write heavily pregnant, before baby is here.

backing off and venturing into a form of restful write, perhaps even intentional laziness […] Simplicity sees value in wasting time, in getting lost in our intentional abandon and letting the mind wander because it’s here, in this space, where we create, explore and question. It’s in the quiet that we get to know ourselves and figure out what’s meaningful and true.

una giornata uggiosa

Stormy winds today
che sussurrano all’orecchio
con voce sibillina
their evil whispers.
You can’t trust them
and the wind is restless,
non si dà pace.
I only want to go back home.

to notice when the stars are looking sad

These weekends with him are so precious. I’m glad I decided to go back home in the weekends in-between, even if it’s expensive. Really filling up the cup of our love and attraction and excitement for each other. Dates and cosiness and hugs and dances. And some butterflies in the stomach again.
I can’t wait to go back to living together again, living in my own home, having a normal life, a routine.
This week I lived for friday, waiting for friday. I couldn’t be bothered to repeat again and again a finished piece. I couldn’t be bothered to find something to do in the long empty afternoons. I only want to go home, to him, to my things, to everything that’s waiting for me, to free life.

There is grace and beauty in the slow and the subtle.

autumn creeping

The most beautiful autumn view from my window now. 
A place and a not knowing what to do.

Silence and quiet are definitely comfortable places for me.

vatten svartare
hjärtat fullare
tillbaka till den lilla orten på landet
bort från honom

du vilar ögon i sjön

Early morning in the countryside villa in Åmmeberg. The house is quiet, the others are sleeping. Quite dark even if it’s sunny outside. No neighbours a part from the lake and the forest. I make myself breakfast, the first coffee (decaffeinated) in a long time. Think about him and miss him a lot.
I like the quiet of the countryside and the slowness, not having too many things to do, just being able to rest a lot and take it easy. Going up early in the morning, working a bit and then resting the rest of the day.
A season of calming.
And longing for my love.

it is the tiny morsels of joy that remind me what matters, that prove we don’t need a lot to live well.

acceptance and landing

My body is chubbier than ever before. We were sitting and I could feel many rolls under the t-shirt. In my bathing suit I can only see plump and folds. Yet, it’s ok. Before pregnancy it would have bothered me a lot, making me feel bad about myself, especially guilty after these weeks when I haven’t trained at all. But now, that I’m pregnant, I have another kind of understanding. I know why my body is doing that, I understand it. I can appreciate what my body is able to do.