dim light

I can’t feel anything. Not bad things (even if I’m rationally aware of them) and not good things (small things that make me usually feel happy to be alive). I am numb, a stone inside. Just a compact block of nothing. I’m not quite myself anymore.
Some decisions and try-outs might relieve him from some weight but leave me with lots of weight to carry. In my head I’m sad scared disappointed. In my heart I’m frozen.
It’s interesting how I actually almost keep doing my life as if nothing is happening. I don’t feel anything. But sometimes I can’t sleep and I’m so scared.
Sometimes he can make me so angry! I screamed while biking home. I felt so uncomfortable. He can be so bitter, so annoying, so aggressive, so selfish. It hurts. How can I be so nostalgic and angry at the same time?
Learning to be loved is an important skill to learn, my dear.

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take ten minutes for pleasuring your body


I don’t feel good here. I wake up in the morning and a weight falls on my body. I don’t feel good waking up to this messy cold flat. I don’t feel good waking up to a city I’m not liking so much. I don’t feel good waking up to this work that I can’t connect to. I don’t feel good waking up to all of this situation with him, to how it’s evolved lately.
I don’t want to wake up.
I only want to sleep, not because I’m tired, but because I want to escape my current situation. When I sleep I’m unconscious, I’m not aware of where I am and of my whole life, when I sleep it’s just pleasurable. I’m grumpy and all closed in myself, like a spiky cactus.
And I also feel so alone. I close myself and become cold hard resistant on the inside.

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I feel devastated. How can it be that I had found someone who loved me so much, with whom I want to have a future, that we were really happy, and now it’s all crumbling? He’s taking away the thing that made my life good and full and I can’t live.

It’s particularly hard now that I’m here in germany. I don’t want to be here. And then not see him for two and a half months. I can’t be here and do what I have to do with all these things in mind. I’d rather only talk to him. Or take a plane and go to him, be in my nice home. I can’t focus on anything else. And I have a hard time to fit in the work as it is now. I can’t get excited for it and it seems so futile to be there dancing while I’d rather deal with more important things, fix my “endangered” life.
And I feel uncomfortable in the place they organized for me to live in: dark small cluttered and with no heating; horrible.
I don’t like to be here. I’m neither in a familiar place nor a comfortable one. I feel displaced, uncomfortable, lonely. Why do I have to be here? These two months will be very long, I fear.


to stop and let yourself be passed through by grief, when a test becomes unbearable and courage ends. Petteri-Lappalainen-1

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jane enwland
-4°C and sun. Finally cold winter weather starts. Everything frosty. Without thinking too much about it I go out for a run. I don’t like so much running alone, but it felt so good. I got lost and then I reappeared, red-cheeked and messy-haired.

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All this talking with him about communication and learning to say things clearly and stand up for my wellbeing made me think of my exboyfriend, the one that first broke my heart in such a devastating way. Schermata 2017-11-13 alle 19.46.02I was barely over 20 and very different, things have changed a lot and I’m happier where I am now.
Though I thought that it feels unfair that he treated me so badly and I let everything pass, I never told him.
But now I see things clearly.
I will not anymore hold heavy things inside and then regret. Life can’t go on (as if nothing happened) without me telling him how bad and unfair it all was.
So I decided to meet him and talk, but I was already backing off if it wasn’t that we bumped into each other on new year’s eve. He came to my house and it was nice and familiar but also shy and superficial. We chatted, had coffee, fixed my bike but I felt that I could never get into talking about that stuff of our relationship. With him, I realized, one can only chat, not talk about personal, deep, serious things.
Then, while I was perched on the armrest of the sofa: “I wanted to talk to you about some things but I don’t know how to start.”
“Just do it”

So I talked and cried just a little little bit. He patted me on the knee from far away. So awkward and a bit uncomfortable. It felt to me like he was the same and I was a totally different person from when we were together. It felt almost like I was talking about the relationship of someone else, not ours. I was happy we’re no longer together.
Even if, once again, I was too kind and I wished I had been harder, clear enough, I did very good by talking about these things with him. Oh life. From now on, no more holding shit inside.
“Am I a bad person?” he had asked me when breaking up, four and a half years ago. But probably he doesn’t remember that.

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ignorance is a bliss

The holidays were intense, difficult, desperate, happy, comforting and also very nice. Surely not restful. The old year is finished, finally! That piece of shit, such a terrible year where what could go wrong went wrong, is gone (I still don’t dare cheering too loud, though). The new year has started in the worst way but also in the best way possible probably.
And now this week alone in stockholm before I leave for work in Germany (oh that feels really heavy now) is my real holiday. I take my time, I don’ t do much, I sleep a lot.
The first night after he had left was hard, I missed him, I had difficulties falling asleep, all thoughts about these painful things we’re dealing with came back to me as a rebound. But worse was waking up. Suddenly, after intense weeks of him, family, children, work, friends I was alone and free. What was the purpose then? How would I fill up my day? I was scared to get out of bed, I did not want to wake up. A mix of panic and nostalgia. I hadn’t felt like this in a long time.
I got up, came downstairs, called him to calm down my soul and my discomfort from the phone call the night before and then slept some more on the sofa, in my floral morning gown, there in the daylight of the kitchen. Good. And rare.
I can not say where we two are right now. I can only say that I slapped his face. I had never slapped anyone before. Never had anyone slapped him before, either. Maybe he deserves it.
My mind wonders to him a lot. Fuck, I miss him!
Schermata 2018-01-09 alle 18.41.00

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hurray that you’re here


While I was driving home after an amazing evening with a very very special piece of my soul, one that has always good words for everything and who feels ever so close even if we sometimes don’t meet for long time, I was listening to music, it was dark and I was lighthearted from a bit of wine. Then a song came. And I could finally cry a bit, on a road where I often cried leaving from his place, because he always manages to stir things inside of me. I cried even if that song gives me joy, I cried for these heavy months in which I struggled to keep the world together, I cried for the beauty of knowing someone like him and for the strong connection that bounds us, I cried for the pleasure of living this life, I cried of fear and of sadness.
I cried because the sea was so black and so beautiful and a bit I would have liked it to swallow me and a bit I was happy to look at it from far away.

Evviva che ci sei, tu.

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