inuit

I’m in Vienna and it’s warm and I have a cold.
I feel like I’d need to only lie down in bed and do nothing. The maximum I’m allowing myself is to indulge in reading for longer times in between errands and meetings with friends (which are actually too much of a push for my body right now and will never make me recover).
Lately I’ve been reading many detective stories that have a woman as main character and are mostly set in some northern country (the norther the better). They have been written by different people in different times and different countries, but they all have in common a very smart woman who will solve the case and who has a special passion or knowledge of the north (the ice the snow the storms the darkness the forest and so on). I’m really enjoying them and all these strong independent women. What I like less is that all these women somehow pay a price for their being so intelligent, and that is being grumpy, lonely, unsympathetic, socially uncomfortable. I wonder why it has to be like that. If this increases their charm or is just a way to make such women more acceptable.
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I live in guilt. I’ve been bathing in this feeling since when I was a child. I have very early memories about it.
It’s a guilt connected to what we think we should do, they way we should be, what we can offer to ourselves, how much pleasure we can allow ourselves. I always thought it was just my problem, coming from a too strong sense of what’s right and the need to show perfection. But talking with friends I discover that it’s a very common feeling.
I’m honestly tired of it, but I don’t manage to get rid of it yet.
Where is it coming from? Why is it easier to suffer for what I might be doing wrong than to cheer for what I’ve succeeded at? Who taught me to feel guilty? Who decided what is right and how I am supposed to be? Who created this pressure that always makes me feel guilty?

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caution

I’m in Vienna. After a long time. It’s so warm, I forgot that there was still a bit of summer to go.
I’m in my ex room in my ex flat with my ex flatmate and everything looks completely different. I guess it’s good, it helps me to leave, it would have been quite confusing to come back here to my home as it was.
I’m in this limbo, between countries, between homes, before moving, before a new job starts…it’s a strange state. I feel disconnected from everything and everyone.
I, more than ever, feel by myself.

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falun

28_zweiI found a home.
I suddenly had some luck. Oh my god, I cried of relief while cutting beetroots for dinner at the thought of having found a place to call home, where I can move in immediately and stay as long as I want, where I can feel more stable and less temporary and start anew and focus on work and other important aspects of my life.
And it’s a cosy beautiful home. By myself. A little red house with a tiny garden.
I just now give space to the realization of how much I’ve desired this.
I’ve devastated myself thinking about money (it’s the highest rent I’ve ever paid), about this place, about affording it, deserving it, trying it or not. I am still full of doubts, uncertainties and guilt, but I decided that I give myself this adult present. I don’t really buy things for myself, I never really go on holidays, but I was longing for a home. I will at least try it for a while.
And the plan of moving to sweden is completely different from how it had started, I’m not moving here to move in with him (yet?) and so it is a little heavier on me, both emotionally and economically. But I have a home! Wow I have a home like I wished for it to be!
I hope to have a smooth and well functioning start in there.

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duktig

In the final part of this summer (or is this the final part? I’m a bit unsure about where time has gone) there was some berries-picking, some wood-chopping and some kayak-paddling. That was more than lovely. And some sex with my love (but I always feel like I would have liked more of it, what’s wrong with me?!)
But there was mostly my house-hunting in stockholm.

After being with him and his family (who have always been my main reasons to come to sweden), here I am, alone in my sweden. In sweden for me, for the first time. Just for my sake, my reasons, my things to do.
Of course I feel spaced out, it’s so weird to be alone after so many days with people around 24/7, it’s so weird being in his place alone without him (and he’s not gonna come anytime soon!) and I’m wondering what I’m doing here, if I really want to come to live here and how it would feel to live here.
What the heck am I doing?!

House-hunting was so draining, difficult, terrible. I’m exhausted, confused and worried. No offer, no answers, bad places, high prices. I had heard it would be like this, bit I didn’t imagine it so hard! I didn’t manage to do anything else, I just sat there at the computer scrolling through ads or sat in some kind of public transport going around the city to visit places.

I was thrown into life panic. I didn’t know anymore who I want to be and what I want from life and from the future, what my goals and priorities are. Whoops I think I’m a little bit lost.
A part from worrying about not finding a place, and all the shabang of moving to another country, I got all worried about my choice of being a dancer, about how difficult it is to get things going, about how unfair certain things are, especially for me that I’m nobody (nobody’s girlfriend or daughter etc) and I have always managed everything on my own. And I’m a woman, it makes a damned big difference in this profession right now. I got stressed and pressed by the wish of working more and the fear of never being able to be completely economically independent or afford life and family if I keep doing this job.
When did money become so important for me? I’ve always been aware and careful with it, but I never let it rule my life. Now I suddenly am so self-conscious, guilty and scared about it. I don’t like that. tumblr_lhipe0TTCk1qz5hcoo1_1280

Oh, so many testing things in my life right now.

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things that hurt me

Three months ago, or maybe more, he came to vienna as a last minute surprise and, as it often happens to me with him, at a certain point that day, I just knew, my sixth sense told me that he was coming to break up.
I was so nervous.
He was so sweet, but so worried and he told me that I was beautiful. I thought I would be harder with him and just stay by myself and keep distance but I couldn’t really. When I see him, things are so different than what I plan.
And when he saw me, he couldn’t break up anymore. We made love and it was exciting not knowing if it was a good idea. And he said that that was not what he had come for.
I have a vague memory of what happened then, of what we talked about. It is so damned multilayered. There was a lot of talking and a loooot of crying. But I almost don’t care about the crying anymore. I anyways can’t help it.
I’m happy that I’m managing to show him when I’m angry or when I disagree.
He said things that hurt me.

Now, months later, we are still there, kind of. Things are generally a bit less dramatic (sometimes more sometimes less) and we’ve been through even more talking, really honest and hardcore, painful but very useful. We are still together, we also spent some very good time together, but I really don’t know where this is going or what is going to happen. I cried so much and had so much fear that I feel frozen inside now.
The future really scares me, starting from next months and arriving to my whole life as an adult. If he leaves me I die.
I want to try and make him understand. With my beauty, with my wisdom, with my hope.
He is such a wonderful person. So beautiful. I just want to be with him. Many things are unfair.

I like it when he does soft eyes to me, then I feel like I can enter him.
 

I get the impulse
to walk into the forest
and never come back
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frangipani

I read a book that starts on a day of pouring rain and I found myself longing for rain.

Mi sento bene a camminare sotto la pioggia, con l’impermeabile e gli stivali di gomma, in campagna, sfidando la pioggia battente per fare qualcosa, con fare deciso. Anche se in realtà non sono abituata a queste condizioni di vita di campagna, mi sento bene qua.

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tief

Stress, fear and love pains are visibly attacking my body, and my body is falling apart. So many doctors and pains and therapies!

and don’t set backs, sorrow and sadness have a place in a full life, too?

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