i am no barbie

CCI26042017

I like the few little things I do to live in a sustainable and environmental friendly way. It always seems such a big thing, to change one’s own way of living. But then, one little habit at a time, it’s actually nice and satisfying.
I could do much more, like for example not buying anything wrapped in plastic at all, but for that I need more money and organization and a proper home and some kind of regular routine. And now my life is too unstable and still too much student-like. Plus, I never was a fan of integralists in anything. I’m much more moderate. But what I do is already pretty considerate.

I, for example:
– try to buy as less things wrapped in plastic as possible. if I have to choose what to eat outside, I try to opt for whatever is not in plastic
– try to reuse plastic wrappings (for example the one from toilet paper as trash bag)
– eat ice cream in a cone and not in a cup
– eat out rather than take away
– use tools and containers made of glass, metal, wood, fabric in my kitchen (and home in general)
– buy second hand
– try to get informed about where and how a specific brand is producing their products, to be sure it’s environmentally and ethically correct
– don’t buy food that had to travel a too long way
– carry metallic cutlery with me all the time and a metallic bottle
– say “no straw thanks” “no disposable cutlery thanks” “no lid thanks” and so on
– recycle and reuse
– use less and less beauty products, and when I do I choose natural ones in intelligent packaging
– have a reusable toothbrush, with changeable heads made of natural brush
– use the menstrual cup
– limit the amount of soap and detergent used
– switch off lights, close the fridge quickly, unplug unused electronics, don’t waste water
– use reusable pads to remove my makeup
– take the bike or the train whenever possible, instead of other transports
– use the washing machine or the dishwasher when they are completely full
– buy ecological cleaning products, and use vinegar for cleaning, too
– avoid to print when not necessary, and use always every side of each paper

 

 

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minus

My idea of weather and my opinion about nordic winters have changed a lot. And one thing that I really can’t suffer is people complaining all the time about weather.
I wonder, though, if I’ll endure swedish climate. I always tell myself that it fascinates me and it’s beautiful and one just needs to get dressed well.
But what if it’s really difficult and I can’t cope? I never spent the whole year or the whole winter there. The cold is not so scary in itself, what really hits me is the fact that it lasts long, very long.
I just need to admit that this disturbs me and is a bit scary. And it’ll be fine. I hope.
I will need to plan long summers at home. Resisting to strong heat is for me also an important skill. And that needs to be practiced.
What is bad weather after all?

 

 

 

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CCI23042017

the world upsets, disappoints, frustrates and hurts us in countless way at every turn. it delays us, rejects our creative endeavours, overlooks us for promotions, rewards idiots and smashes our ambitions on its bleak, relentless shores. and almost invariably, we can’t complain about any of it. it’s too difficult to tease out who may really be to blame.

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conquering distance

‘Central-Nervous-System_-by-Wolfgang-Tillmans-7
He has issues, and things that worry him, and things he is working on, and he makes mistakes and hurts me sometimes. And me too probably. And of course, even if I love him, I can see when he makes me sad or angry.
But then, when I see his weaknesses, or better, the sides of him that aren’t perfect, I just love him more and more. There’s something tender, sweet and terribly human in it; it touches me deeply.
I know him as a wise and competent person, then I also see his fragilities and sorrows and I only want to be closer to him, to soothe him, welcome him, accept him. I understand the chaotic and embarrassing parts of him, and at the same time I feel like I can simply be myself, with all my own shameful sides.
We look into each other’s confused and troubled psyches.

And my love for him grows stronger and more aware. I allow complexity.

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trophy

Things that make me scared and nervous nowadays:Schermata 2017-04-23 alle 11.00.46
having to prepare some pilates classes to teach all absolutely in german (and dealing with the boss of the new studio who really makes me nervous)
too much studying and too little time and concentration
somebody serious from an important office who tried to reach me and I need to call back tomorrow. and I don’t know what the issue is.
waiting hanging on too many dates waiting for confirmation which make any planning of summer impossible
the never ending quest for dance jobs (or any jobs) and the fear of not being working enough
the stress of how where and how much to train
tons of bureaucratic stuff regarding me leaving austria and moving to sweden. but the good thing about it is that finally my moving is becoming more of a plan and less of just a wish. scary but exciting! even though it’s not going to happen in the conditions I wished for, it’s happening, and hopefully it’ll be good.

 

Step one of learning to ask for help:
locating where I need help and what I’m afraid of.

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underlife

Some good insights from the last days. When in a relationship some things are bad or make us feel uncomfortable or need to be discussed, it doesn’t mean that the whole relationship is wrong. It’s just how things are in this moment. We will give space, be wise and honest, communicate, listen and then they will be better. And in the meanwhile, there are still lots of good things to enjoy and indulge in.
I tend to tell myself “argh something is wrong!” and then I feel weird and act in an awkward way, a mixture of being extracareful and trying to make him forgive me (for what then?!). And that doesn’t make anyone feel good. So, just no panic, and instead patience, openness and lots and lots of clear talking. When he doesn’t tell me what’s going on in him, then I try to guess and I desperately do everything and the opposite of everything, and then feel even more confused.
Ah, there is some kind of relief in understanding these things (and understanding them together the two of us, and agreeing!). I spontaneously flew to sweden, and it was good to be with him. There was some calm adult respectful talking (even if not enough). There was touching, holding, caressing, smiling, cosying, looking eyes into eyes. And probably listening to the feelings deep inside.
There was also plenty of family food chocolate and easter, but that’s another chapter. And there was that special caring support that I so much enjoy. And when I see that he enjoys it too, then I feel so satisfied.
While flying back, even if I didn’t feel at all like traveling, I was carrying some kind of joy that kept lingering until my late evening tea.

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But it is all desperately fragile.

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untenable

Where does my superhero tendency come from?
I don’t know why I have it, I don’t know if I was raised like this or if it’s innate in me. What’s sure is that, while growing up, being independent, being smart, finding ways and solutions on my own were considered top qualities to have.
And so I never learnt to ask for help, to be taken care of, to show that I’m scared, unable, insecure, tired, lost, when I am. It is such a stupid thing. Such a loss not being able to do that.
I still think that the ability to always find a way on one’s own without being dependent on anyone is a sign of intelligence. I think it’s smart and I like being that. Smart, reactive, ready, inventive.
But right now (especially, but many other times in my life, too) I really need help. I really need to ask for help and say out loud that I can’t manage anymore on my own. I don’t have energy or experience enough, I can’t fix every bit of my life alone anymore. It really is ok to give in into moments of weakness and to ask others. I must learn that. I want to be perfect and I want to tell myself that I can do anything. But hey, it’s ok if I can’t.
I live better when I share the load. I don’t want to deal with my life on my own anymore.

I still believe in wholehearted understanding and empathy between two human beings and in the chance of an end to loneliness.I0xAcXHNuql9grysKMj1147eo1_1280

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