Most of the thoughts that are now left in me about my past relationship are connected to anger and to realizing how bad of a person he is. I don’t like this, I don’t want to go through such a denigrating process of someone I loved and still appreciate quite a lot.
I so wish to get angry with him, be mean and unfriendly (the opposite of who I have always been), show him how pissed I am because of how he behaved until now. I wish to show him how unfair it was to replace me, how unfair to force someone (me) into feeling so horrible and down, into going through dark times while he was all fine going on with his life as if nothing happened. I’d like to be unpleasant with him as he’s been with me. “you’ve been very generous with him, mt, now it’s his turn to be generous”.
It’s unfair that it has to be like this. I don’t want to start hating him and being angry and disgusted by him. But it seems a necessary and natural way to get detached from him.
Yet, it still feels bad that it has to be like that, that I have to focus on his bad sides and hide all of his good qualities. It’s bad that it is what happens when breaking up.
I want both of us to still acknowledge, praise and appreciate each other’s beauties.
Night dreams about him are stressful now.
Cry because we cannot even begin to understand how beautiful it is, cry because we are terribly flawed as species, cry because it all seems so shockingly improbable that maybe our existence could be nothing but a dreamscape