I’ve been away from here. A lot. Probably there aren’t really excuses, but I’m using all my energies to focus on myself and on surviving, and that was a reason good enough to take a break. And figure out what really happened.
I’ve hit the bottom and I’ve hurt myself quite badly. The loss of the person I loved like never before, so important in my life, is a big loss to mourn. He’s still healthy and around, close and beautiful, but he’s gone. And on top of that he caused a lot of huge extra pains I have to handle. It’s a lot to process.
I’m abandoned and abused.
I know that even if it seems impossible, final, unimaginable, at some point it will pass. I hope so. I hope I will be taken and loved again, and I will be able to love again. But now it doesn’t matter that/if it will pass. For now it’s the worst thing I ever had to cope with and it’s so difficult and sometimes I doubt that I will make it through it. This thing has a devastating effect on my life, it makes me suffer enormously and it’s real. I need people around me not to underestimate it, to acknowledge, recognize and respect my pain.
It will take me quite a long time to get back up on my feet. I’m really badly broken.
It’s my whole life that’s falling apart, all the dreams and plans. And there’s plenty of nostalgia too. I don’t know how we could arrive here. He had given me so much love and appreciation. And now this.
I wonder how I can ever trust anyone again, after the person who was closest to me, that loved me and I loved, treated me like this.
He leaves me to pay the price of his emotional mess and issues and insecurities.
How can it be all lost?
I’m so hurt. An unbelievable amount of pain. He took my life away from me. My whole life, all the plans and wishes and things I invested in are crumbling down, destroyed. I feel like I’m dying. I need to “stop existing” for a while, forget about all of this, forget about myself.
I can’t believe that this is happening to me. It can’t be true. After all the amazing love that there was between us! So unfair. Unjustified.
He hasn’t done physical violence to me, but what he has done is violence (emotional violence?). And emotional pain is real pain. To threaten someone with loss of love is a far more profound and painful violence than some people think.
I’m angry if he’s also part of this capitalistic/consumerist world that sees love as a good to use and then throw away when it’s outdated. There are anyways more fishes in the sea to catch, that’s the thought.
He wants love but can’t work for it; when it gets too close or too real he runs away. He wants to be swept-off his feet by feelings, but does not lose balance, never actually falls in it, stays on his own instead. He’s been so little emotionally available. So badly in touch with his own emotions and unable to name them.
I’m in an enormous amount of pain. I have never experienced such a strong pain before. And his missing is so burning and so scary. I panic. I don’t know if I can make it through it. I am so scared for the future. I don’t want to live this life with this pain, and without him.
The crying comes in the middle of any random activity. Sometimes I wake up and realize I’m crying. I cry everyday. Sometimes a few tears. Sometimes I have to stop, sit down and sob with the face in my hands. I cry everywhere. On the phone at work in cafés in the metro in medborgarplatsen on the way home on the bike talking to my neighbours at the pizzeria with friends etc. I feel as if pieces of flesh are constantly torn off my inside. I’m exhausted. I’m not quite myself anymore. He killed me.
Plus, I miss him a lot because he’s great, even though he fucked up big time with me.
Si sentì come se fosse la fine del mondo, come se non ci fosse più nulla, nè notte nè giorno, nè caldo nè freddo, nè risate nè gioia. E il suo posto era quello. Il nulla.