Working in a side job that has nothing to do with dance. It might feel like I’m giving up. Well, I don’t know. I rather feel like I’m adapting to my constantly changing life. And working, keeping myself busy, earning a bit more money makes me feel good, relaxed, at peace, and not guilty. And that’s important.
But somewhere I always fear that I’m not doing the right thing. I think that what I do is wrong and there are always a lot of “should” that put their weight on me. For example now I work and make money and use my time, and this makes me feel good, but then I train less or I don’t dance and then I’m sad and I feel that maybe I’m not a dancer anymore and I’d like to find that back.
Then yesterday I had a motivating work meeting for a new project and I got energy and inspiration. Even thought I wasn’t properly dancing in the studio, I felt a bit more like a dancer again, working on what I really want to do in life.
I read an article about random acts of kindness.: simply being kind and doing/giving something to others without getting anything back and without any reason other than to perpetuate happiness. I really liked the idea because I know very well from personal experience why it feels good to give. Just the fact of having made someone else happy, makes me incredibly happy, even though that sceptical boyfriend of mine can’t believe it and always thinks that I do too much for him and too little for myself.
Together with explaining why being kind does good to ourselves, the article pointed out that being kind makes us able to ask for help with the idea that “if I would do it for someone else, I can ask for it too”. And there I have a lot to learn.
It also talked about suspended coffee: in cafés that join the initiative (and have a sticker to show that) one can go and pay for a coffee that stays suspended; anyone can then go to these cafés and ask if there is any coffee suspended, that is, already paid. Also simply paying a coffee for the next person in line, or for somebody unknown in the café works well. I really like the idea.
Dad called me and he told me that, compared to some recent issues with my sister, he thought that it’s amazing how I never “bother” my parents. I break my arm, I go and fix it; I have problems with my boyfriend, I fix them by myself.
Always all by myself.
Always finding solutions and accomplishing things by myself. And he doesn’t know how many more things I’m fixing on my own everyday.
I’m tired to be alone.