Me and him talked a lot, but we still have to talk more. I long, I really long, like crazy, to talk to him. All the thoughts I want to share with him on the topic are scribbled down in a notepad with KAOS written on the front page.
With this talking we go forward and backward and forward and so on. Sometimes it seems we talk in circles. It’s devastating tiring surprising hurting, but somehow interesting. I get all sorts of thoughts about him, me, us and the way I behave and see myself. Maybe it will eventually help me become a better person.
Not long ago I realized how much this has to do with me being so unsecure. I’m so unsure of myself, I don’t believe that I can be loved, I cannot trust the fact that I’m beautiful and amazing and that people can see that. I can’t love myself in this way. A friend just mentioned the topic and my eyes filled up with tears. It’s clearly still a burning issue in me. I thought I was getting over it thanks to him and his appreciation, but now that he’s doubting, I doubt too.
Even if I find imperfections interesting and I think that people should be allowed more of them, I sometimes still have difficulties accepting that I’m not perfect, that what I do is not perfect, that my life is not perfect. When at least one thing in my life goes well (like when he was really peacefully in love with me), then I can deal better with the other imperfections. But when everything is a bit fucked up, then I can’t.
In the meanwhile, paradoxically, I am more and more sure that he’s the one I want to be with. For life. There is clearly something amazing between us and the fact that we’re doing this talking and analysing together definitely shows it. It’s a luxury: so many couples don’t talk about these things! We are sharing understanding explaining going deep into our issues, fears, behaviours and complicated mind structures. I never got to know somebody so well, and nobody ever knew me so deeply.
Despite everything, I’m happy for the love, care and patience, which I received from him in these last days. His thoughts and touch and looks. And the errands he did for me. I got treated like a princess; this makes up for all the cold uncomfortable distance of our last phone interactions. Now that he’s gone I’m like a cranky child and want to wheep “it’s not fair! It was so nice when he was here! I want him back!”. Now that he’s gone I indulge into his usual presence/absence. So bitter sweet. So beautiful he is.
I think that we fit pretty well together and somehow deep down I believe that eventually, when we will have found our way to do it, we are meant to be together. There is still a positive spot inside me that feels that it will all work out in the end.
He is family, this is why it would be particularly painful to lose him.
Ho parlato un poco di me, perchè il testimone fa parte della sua testimonianza.