Times of fear. He suddenly got all serious on the phone and said that we need to talk, a lot and about scary things. Suddenly he’s all seriousness and drama. I’m so nervous and so scared that my worse nightmare is actually happening and that it’s all over. He’s so dark, so negative, so dramatic. It’s all deeply existential.
I can’t concentrate on anything, I can’t just keep on doing my life while there is all this uncertainty and urgency in the air. I can’t wait until we meet.
I try to listen to loud music, so not to hear my own thoughts that press on my chest. I obfuscate my thoughts with a lot of wine drank as juice too early this evening.
I’m so nervous and absent-minded. I can’t take away fear from my head.
This having to wait kills me. His being vague kills me.
I read our first long messages to each other. I know one shouldn’t do it , one can’t get nostalgic of times that are gone: relationships evolve and change and are everyday new. But I couldn’t help and my heart burnt as I saw how wise and nice and honest we were, from the very beginning.
So good of us.
My rational part tells me that he is a mature and reasonable person and he can want to fix things together. He can’t just throw the last two years away like this. We can build our relationship together, love is an action! This is all a too important part of my life, I can’t give up like this, without even trying.
I must be strong, precious, beautiful, trust in myself and in this. But actually my heart already screams at the tragedy and I feel like I should apologize for existing.